A 1-acter for 3 parties
by Bill Costley
Cast: Consultants - Republican, Democrat; a Waiter; voice offstage.
Location: A K-Street restaurant
Time: The very present.
Background music: "Happy Days Are Here Again!"
R: You probably think you’ve won something, but I assure you we have, we still have, the Presidency and a new crop of conservatives who are more like us than you.
D: Then why are they Democrats?
R: They saw the media’s handwriting on the wall & switched to stay in power. They still do what we want them to. We have their souls.
D: Republican souls? Tell me what in hell a Republican soul is…
R: It’s a deeply anti-governmental one, deeply dedicated to American freedom at home, and universal freedom abroad.
D: By any means?
R: By all means!
The waiter reaches their table.
W: Are you 2 ready to order?
R: I am. The best, nothing but the Best.
D: I am. The most, nothing but the Most.
W: Who’s paying?
R & D: The People!
W: I don’t see anybody here but you 2 . What people?
R: The American People!
D: The Sovereign People!
W: We don’t take American Sovereigns. Whose credit card? Whose plastic?
R: Corporate plastic. (Reaches for a Corporate-themed card.)
D: Union plastic. (Reaches for a Union-themed card.)
W: Hey, one card for one meal, not 2 cards! Which card’s gonna pay?
R & D: (Stymied) His! (Pointing to each other.)
W: Don’t try to pull this crap on me, I gutta idea. Why doncha flip for it: flip ya cards. The one that lands face up, pays.
(They flip; both cards land face-up.)
W: Do it again.
(They do; same result. Both are embarassed by the consistent result.)
W: We're getting’ nowhere by doin’ this democratically (R blusters at the usage), so I’m gonna solve this myself. Tip me, one of ya.
R & D: How much?
W: Let’s just see how smart you are. (Rocking on heels, order book in hand. Smiles; Smirks; Frowns.) I haven’t gut all nite; I have 6 tables in this section. Make this worth my while, or I’m gone.
R: (Loudly) MAITRE 'D, we want another waiter!
Voice from kitchen: This is the only waiter you are ever gonna get here, deal or no meal.
R & D: No meal!
Voice from kitchen: Then haul your sorry asses outta heah! You guys are a dime-a-dozen. A Roosevelt dime.
R: A Reagan dime!
D: An FDR dime.
Voice: A very thin dime. Now haul your asses on out; we have real people to serve, not you 2 fakes. Real people who work for dimes, like the waiter. But before you go, dump your pockets on the tablecloth or you 2 are barred from this place for-ever. We don’t need plastic parasties here. We have real roaches in the kitchen, we don’t need plastic ones like you.
R & D: (On the sidewalk, talking together) Never again! Never again! Let’s go where they appreciate plastic.
(They head for The White House commissary.)
[CURTAIN]
Bill Costley serves on the Steering Committee of the San Francisco chapter of the National Writers Union.