|On the 4th of August 2012 the (London) Daily Mail published a photo taken by a tourist boat operator of an object in Loch Ness he claimed to be that of a certain Scottish celebrity.|
Dear Thing, is it not rather rash
To surface for a front-page splash
When, as a story, you're much hotter,
Than Michael Phelps or Rowling's Potter?
Why risk extinction in a lab,
A subject on a giant slab?
(If not first claimed by Alex Salmond,
Politicized and spun and gammoned.)
They’ll wire you up in rubber vests
To drive you mad with trials and tests
Then film you, off your head and raving,
And wonder why you're misbehaving.
By now you’ll be a mass of scars
With vital organs out in jars
As would-be Darwins probe your feces
To fix your origin and species.
So, till the panting of the Press
Has faded south of Inverness,
Steer clear of camera-pointing skippers
And hide those sexy humps and flippers!
Jerome Betts lives in Devon, England, and has contributed verse to Per Contra, Tilt-A-Whirl, and LightenUp Online as well as numerous print publications. He has never played the American version of football.