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Wednesday, July 20, 2016

HOW TO BE THE BEST REPUBLICAN EVER

by Bill Livingston


Image source: Forward Progressives


Set your clocks back to 1950
Remove all foresight, no need to look forward

Be white
By any means necessary

Be a man
Only your wife or mother can control your body

Be the loudest one in the room
Let the meek inherit the rest of the earth

Listen to country music exclusively
Except Keith Urban – being married to Nicole Kidman ain’t country, Hoss

Actually live in the country
Don’t be that stubborn ball of flour in the melting pot

If you’re rich, live next to a country club
Toast the minorities who tend the greens, yet could never be members

Stay far away from cultural institutions
Such as libraries, museums, theatres, art house cinemas and bars featuring poetry nights Everything you need is on FOX, FOX NASCAR and the internet

Buy a gun, then another, then another, then another
Buy more bullets than you can possibly use in any kind of apocalypse

Protest abortion and Planned Parenthood with the same fervor you protest gun regulations
Let others appreciate the irony

Show your Southern pride and fly the Confederate flag
Show your Northern ignorance and fly it in Ohio, Pennsylvania, Maine, etc

Love thy neighbor
As long as they’re straight, white, Christian, Republican and actually your neighbor

Go to bed early
Late night talk show hosts mock your heroes incessantly

Make love only in the Missionary position
You can get creative when the NEA is obliterated

Fill your nightstand with exciting works of fiction
Start with Rand, Clancy, Le Carre and, of course, the Bible

Instill envy in your peers
Take a selfie with Donald Trump, Sarah Palin or a dead lion

Support lawmakers who defund public education
While you teach your children to hate, hate, hate

Adopt a firm grasp of right and wrong
Remember, cops are always right and Black Lives Matter is always wrong

Ask yourself, “What would Jesus do?”
Then do the opposite

Always offer Thoughts & Prayers
Without actually thinking or praying

Numb yourself to war, but choose your enemies wisely
Start with Muslims, Mexicans, filthy liberals and the irksome truth

Read this poem, hate this poem
It doesn’t even rhyme

Burn a cross on my lawn, ignite it with these words
Because I’m very different from you


Originally from Altoona, PA, Bill Livingston is a poet, humorist, screenwriter and advertising copywriter who has been published in Danse Macabre, Saturday Afternoon Journal, Treehouse, Flipside, Mobius, and forthcoming in Radius: Poetry From the Center to the Edge. He is a supporting member of The Poetry Project and an original member of Brooklyn Poets and Bowery Arts + Science. He lives in Brooklyn, NY with his wife and twin daughters.