NEW YEAR, NEW SCANDAL

by Wayne Scheer

After being criticized for lip syncing through her Las Vegas residency debut, Britney Spears is now being accused of faking her abs.  --Huffpost Celebrity, December 31, 2012

The year is brand spanking new
and already Huffington Post
has broken a scandal
that could rock the world--
“Britney Spears Accused
of Faking Her Abs.”

Faking her abs?
Apparently, she uses makeup
for the rippling effect.

Is nothing sacred?
Next they'll uncover
Miley Cyrus has a secret
doctorate in astrophysics
or the Kardashian girls
as homebodies,
happily married,
content to play dominoes
before an open fire.

Who knows what else we'll learn
from Huff Post's crack reporters:
Mel Gibson born Melvin Ginsberg?
Jennifer Anniston wakes with morning breath?
John Wayne a transvestite?
(His birth name was Marion, after all.)

My world may be shattered,
my illusions swept away
like New Year's confetti on January 1,
but greeting the new year
with eyes wide open
has its advantages.
No more stomach crunches for me;
pass the body make-up.


Wayne Scheer has locked himself in a room with his computer and  turtle since his retirement. (Wayne's, not the turtle's.)  To keep from going back to work, he's published hundreds of short stories, essays and poems and has been nominated for four Pushcart Prizes and a Best of the Net. Wayne can be contacted at wvscheer(at)aol.com.

TWERKING ON THE SUBWAY

by Will Stockton

On the D train north
D – isn’t that just too cute? –
twerks my husband.
Without cable we live
in 2009. I saw the performance
on YouTube the morning after.
Without cable Miley Cyrus
is still Hannah Montana
and Robin Thicke is no one
we know. Cyrus says – You're
wanting to make history, y'all –
so pulls old strings of slut shaming,
of swift love and theft.
I thread the move into a lyric
I sang on the El south from Fullerton –
Is it worth it? Let me twerk it –
as D, white hipster, high school
musical dancer, bends over to touch
his toes, to keep his balance
as the train swerves left.


Will Stockton is associate professor of English at Clemson, South Carolina, where he teaches Renaissance literature and queer studies. His most recent book, Crush, forthcoming from Punctum Books, is a collection of poems and lyric essays co-written with D. Gilson.