REASONS FOR WATCHING FOX NEWS

by Max Gutmann

to the tune of "My Favorite Things"

Gawking at lovely harassable females,
Daily reminders of Hillary's emails,
Colorful theories Sean Hannity spews,
These are all reasons for watching Fox News.

Hearing acquaintance rape labeled as courtly,
Learning what Donald will tweet about shortly,
Laughing with anchors at liberal views,
Very good reasons for watching Fox News.

Anger at libbers and cornerbacks kneeling,
Ads for gold coins that sound very appealing,
"12 Easy Ways to Try Liking Ted Cruz,"
Excellent reasons for watching Fox News.

When the Dems win, when the news stings,
When I'm feeling bad,
I turn on Fox News for my favorite things
And soon I'll be hopping mad!


Max Gutmann has contributed to The Spectator and other publications.

SMITHEREEN '17

by Max Gutmann

Chiefily-briefily
William H. Harrison
Served in the White House for
Days and then died.

Uninspirational
Formerly, now it's a
Model Americans
Speak of with pride.

*

Dupery-poopery,
Senator Cassidy
Lied on TV and made
Talk-show hosts frown,

Neologistically
Coining the Kimmel Rule
Just to ignore it. "It's
Named for a clown!"

*

Flippity-floppity
Anikin Skywalker
Quitted the Dark Side (he
Saw it was bad),

Prompting its leader to
Intergalactically
Tweet: He's Darth Loser! No
Loyaltie! SAD!!!

*

Bushery-tushery,
Roslyn Corrigan
Groped many years ago,
Finally spoke.

Ultraperplexity:
Which part was worse, that Bush
Grabbed, or his dumb David-
Cop-a-Feel joke?

*

Drivery-thrivery,
Annika Sörenstam
Rose to be golf champ by
Playing the game,

Living on golf courses
Uninterruptedly.
T***p serves as President
Doing the same.

*

Sagey-Be, Kay-Gee-Be,
President Kennedy,
Commonly known as a
Bit of a chump,

Unpatriotically
Trusted the Russians who
Claimed they'd not tampered with--
Oops. I meant T***p.

*

Wiselly-sizelly,
Theodore Roosevelt
Said if one's strong, speaking
Softly's the trick.

President T***p, showing
Dissimilarity,
Boomingly boasts of the
Size of his . . . stick.

*

Royally-loyally,
Catherine Middleton,
Polls say, is England's first
Choice for new queen,

Leading Prince Charles to show
Irritability,
Muttering something that's
Mildly unclean.

*

Wishily-washily,
Captain America,
Boldly created as
Fascism's foe,

Says after Charlottesville,
Anticlimactically,
"Nazis were right about
Some things, you know?"


Max Gutmann has contributed to RE:AL and other publications.

TURMINOLOGY

by Max Gutmann

"What are your genetics, sir?"    

--Ben Shapiro to Ms. Zoey Tur on Dr. Drew on Call July 16, 2015

To refer to Ms. Tur
With a “sir,” I aver,
Is a scurrilous slur
We should learn to deter.

You infer it's a blur?
That the burden's on her
To insure, as it were,
That her herness is pure?

Use the term she'd prefer,
Not the grrr of a cur.
It's like cursing, I'm sure.
Be a person; defer.

Why be churlish? What fer?
You would certainly err
If you were to refer
To Ms. Tur with a “sir.”


Max Gutmann has contributed to Light Quarterly and other publications.

SOUTHERN HOSPITALITY

by Max Gutmann

A group of Confederate flag supporters gathered near the Oklahoma high school where President Obama is scheduled to speak Wednesday afternoon, claiming that the flag represents heritage–not racism.“We’re not gonna stand down from our heritage. You know, this flag’s not racist. And I know a lot of people think it is, but it’s really not. It’s just a southern thing, that’s it,” Trey Johnson told KFOR. Johnson drove three hours from Texas to join the protest.   —BUZZPO July 15, 2015; Photo by Steven Romo / Twitter

When I welcome you, it's the intent
That's important. If you get all bent
Out of shape with offense,
Then you ain't got good sense;
What you heard ain't the thing that I meant.

Ain't that sensible? Then let's agree:
As your host, I am perfectly free
To display one long digit
And call you an idjit,
'Cause those are endearments to me.


Max Gutmann has contributed to The American Drivel Review and other publications.

JIGGERY-POKERY

by Max Gutmann

Image source: DonkeyHotey

“Jiggery-pokery!

Now it's just SCOTUScare!”

Grumbled Scalia, en-

Raged at his peers.

“Unconstitutional

Somersaults. Applesauce!

Really! What next, people?

Marriage for queers?”

Max Gutmann has contributed to Folly and other publications.

STRAIGHT FROM THE PIT OF HELL

by Max Gutmann

It's overdue, this insurrection.
At last we will dispose
Of Darwin's dumb, duped cheering section.
Celestial insight grows;
We'll soon defeat its wicked foes
'Cause now we have a guy
Who'll see the House Committee knows
That evolution is a lie.

Can our distinct divine perfection
Be something that arose
At random?  Natural selection
Is clearly one of those
Base frauds a schoolchild could expose
If he should only try.
The proof's not difficult; it goes:
"Oh, evolution? It's a lie."

The larger point to our objection
Is showing science pros
We're focusing on their correction
And that they can't impose
Their will on ordinary joes.
Their wares we just won't buy.
Straight off this Global Warming slows
If evolution is a lie.

It's obvious. One must suppose
Evolving would imply
Improvement; Broun's election shows
That evolution is a lie.


Max Gutmann has contributed to The Dark Horse and other publications.