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Friday, January 26, 2007

Volume Five

by Bill Costley

Click here for Books XXXVII-XLVIII of The Cheni@d.

Book XLIX: Give Me CHENEY, or Give Me

"Give me CHENEY, or give me
De@th!" autoraves Scooter, deep
in a delirium, unsedated, but still
moving little in his str@ightj@cket.

His conviction increases: CHENEY
Is his deliverer, CHENEY will be his
ticket out of this p@dded cell, or

He will know why. Surely the best
Republican lawyers will spring him
soon. Surely he will get his pardon

w/out even having to have a trial,
surely his service counts for much
more than common criminality. "A

lie like mine is a service to humanity,
not a mere legal technicality. A m@n,
a m@n like me is a kultur-w@rrior!"

Book L: CHENEY Sn@rls As He

CHENEY sn@rls as he reviews the board:
his pieces are all in place, his Rooks look
good, ready 2 surge behind his Knights,
but 1 of his Bishops is boxed by theirs.
"Fuck them, " he spits, "I have 2 Bishops."
Minus 1 Bishop he's vulnerable & knows
it's a probability he'll lose him 2 that new
Red Queen, "That cunt, that whore, Pelosi."
What can he do the save that Bishop? "I
can sacrifice him as @ distraction." Done.

Book LI: A Half-Dozen P@wns Offer Themselves

A half-dozen p@wns offer themselves
2 CHENEY 2 do with as he pleases.
It pleases him so many are willing.
"I'll never run out of willing pawns,"
he thinks. Of course, that's not true;
everything runs out, eventually, even
pawns w/1 only 1 move 2 make. "So,
which 1 of you is willing 2 make it?"
asks CHENEY. They all say they are;
all he has 2do now is choose which 1.

Book LII: CHENEY Ponders Whether

CHENEY ponders whether it's worth it.
"All this planning, all this strategy, all
just2stay ahead of the game,' he muses,
knowing full-well the objective is Gre@t:
the World & all its material assets, oil
chiefest among them; "Wind," he admits
"is a lost cause. Bacon tried naming winds
& look where that got him: nowhere f@st.
No, it's the combustibles that matter most;
& if it won't burn, it'd better flow f@ster."

Book LIII: CHENEY Laughs @ Anyone Who Thinks

CHENEY laughs @ anyone who thinks
they could possibly beat him @ chess;
“Just think of the pieces’ boffo names,”
he laughs, “Pawn, Knight, Rook, etc.
I may as well have invented the game:
I will rook you & I will pawn your ass.”
CHENEY busts-up laughing, falling
off his high, vpotential bar-stool, on2
the padded floor. He rises2 his knees
in autopraise: “I @m the M@n I @m.”

Book LIV: "'Pon My Dong," CHENEY Swears,

"'pon my dong," CHENEY swears,
"rest all my powers, past & present."
Such an admission only strengthens
his belief in the wellsprings of his
vpotential power, & ultimate glory.
"People like me only cum along once
in a millennium" he observes, sure
his position in the millennium secure.
"Count them: Hitler, Stalin, Mao,
Nixon, Reagan, me. I'm CHENEY."

Book LV: CHENEY's Invisible

CHENEY's invisible; or isn't visible, so
2 Analysts are assigned 2 find him; they
start w/AP photos of recent photo-ops.
Somebody looking exactly like CHENEY
seems 2B standing in for him, smiling,
but the smile's wrong, it's normal, not the
sneering gash that CHENEY's known 4.
"Maybe he's just practicing being happy,"
says the 1st-Analyst. "Not possible," says
the 2nd-Analyst. "What's happy 2 Him?"
"That we can't tell if he's CHENEY?"
asks the 2nd. They agree: "Yes, that's it!"

Book LVI: CHENEY Doesn't

CHENEY doesn't believe in Evil,
he also doesn't believe in Good;
he doesn't believe in Black/White.
His favorite suit is sharkskin grey,
because it reflects badly back on2
anyone looking @ him. Example:
Wearing his shiniest grey suit, he
spins around & says 2 Anybody:
"What did You just say?" They
freeze, speechless, dazzled by him.

Book LVII: Libby Complained2 VPOTUS CHENEY


Libby complained2 VPOTUS CHENEY
he was being set-up as a fall-guy. CHENEY
supported that & handwrote a note: "Not
going2 protect 1 staffer + sacrifice the guy
who was asked2stick his neck in the meat-
grinder because of incompetence of others."

Interpreting VPOTUS' CHENEY's note,
Mr. Wells said that "incompetence"
referred2 the fact that the C.I.A. had
mistakenly allowed the White House
2use inaccurate information in Bush's
2003 State of the Union speech about
Iraq's effort obtain uranium in Africa.

The staff official the VPOTUS believed
should not be protected was Karl Rove.
Libby'd been assigned 2speak2reporters
2straighten-out confusion from Bush's speech;
CHENEY: "Libby was his sticking his head
in the meat grinder to protect Karl Rove."

Book LVIII: "Fly Me To The Moon,' Sings CHENEY

"Fly me 2the Moon,' sings CHENEY
as he shaves w/a cyberelectro-shaver
plugged in2 a port in his cyber-head.
CHENEY's already signed-up for a
vpotential trip there once the peak oil
crisis hits the veritable terrestrial f@n.
"Can't get far enuf away," he sings,
"Far enuf away from U!" Who's U?
It's all of youse willing providers of
financial cannon-fodder for neo-wars,
soon 2B implemented by Dubya Bush
in acc.w/ the NeoConical Master Plan
for a new NeoGalactic Imperial Order.

Book LIX: "Shit Flo@ts" Whispers Somebody

"Shit flo@ts" whispers Somebody
standing w/in inches of ultra-loyal
Scooter & Karl Rove on the dias
as CHENEY takes a big, big bow.
Both of them spin around 2try2
catch the culprit, but nobody there
looks likely: it can't be Powell, Sr.
can it? No, he has his own baggage;
maybe 1 of those disgruntleded
supernumerary generals nobody
needs2hear anything from anymore.
"I'm stumped, " whispers Scooter;
"You would B!" whispers Rove.

Book LX: "Rash, My @ss, " Says CHENEY

"Rash, my @ss, " says CHENEY
regarding his own in the shiny mirror
set @ @ss-level just a bit behind him
@ his m@ssive vpotential desk.
"My @ss shows no rash," he @sserts
to his shining @ss's reflected image.
"Do you, old companion?" No answer
issues therefrom, no slowish siffling
whistle, no propulsive picoupial pop.
"My @ss is @s smooth as a baby's,
& easily twice @s innocent!" he says.
Who's 2 judge? Who's the @ssessor
of the appropriate sitting @ssizes?

(to be continued)

Bill Costley serves on the Steering Committee of the San Francisco chapter of the National Writers Union.